I Hate Roller Coasters

Yep, I am on that horrible infertility roller coaster again and it sucks! I never forgot how bad it sucked and actually it sucks even worse this time around. Probably because I know that this IS it and we will never try again this again. We love our son so much and he has brought so much joy to our lives, it hurts to think we can't have more.

So, I have done two ER at our new clinic. I won't bore anyone with all the results but out of 2 rounds we got a total of 24 eggs but only 18 mature. Last Saturday was the last ER and we ended up with 15 fertilized normally on that Sunday. I am not going to lie, I was expecting none and was blown away. They do not do a day 3 report because they don't want to disrupt the embryos because they only transfer blastocysts. I was fine with that. We should be getting a call Friday or Saturday to see if we have any survivors. Right now that is far as my brain can think because I can only take this one day at a time. I don't like to think or plan ahead. I am hoping for the best but like usual expecting the worse. Damn infertility...fuck you!!!

Shots...

Yep, we are really doing this. I went in for my CD3 u/s last week and I had 22 eggs. WTF and HFS how could this be?! I just hope I can get that many eggs for the ER! I am not expecting that because, well, I have never had that many eggs, not even 5 years ago. Who knows maybe the vitamin cocktail is actually working?! Both my husband and i are almost 40 and we both had way better "tests" this time around. I don't want to say it out loud but some things are too good to be true and we both just hope everything goes well next month. I really don't want to do 2 stims, that just sounds terrible but in all reality I am older and the odds are against us.

So Lupron started today, I can't believe this is really happening. ER isn't scheduled until 3/26, seems sooooooo far away yet I feel like it's right there.

I feel so weird doing this again but I feel like if we don't try one more time, well, that is one decision I will regret for the rest of my life. My new doctor likes to push the limits and I really like that, especially at my age. Here we go!

The Road Ahead

It is so weird going to another clinic, especially when I was and still am really happy with CCRM. Nobody will even compare to CCRM, the facilities, doctors...costs. Thankfully technology has improved over the last several years and more places are able to do chromosome testing, which is what we need.

Looks like we will begin everything in February and egg retrieval will be scheduled around March 24th. I can't even wrap my head around any of it especially since we might do two egg retrievals...UGH!!!!

We received the most amazing news, my husband's sperm is twice as better than when we did IVF before, that was my biggest worry. The swimmer's improved from 6% to 13%, still horribly abnormal but more swimmers means more/better sperm to choose from.

Going back for more!?!?!?!?!

So we could quite possibly doing this again. I go in Thursday for my CD3 ultrasound to see what is left on these ovaries. I am not getting any younger, which I am very happy about in my life except for the fact that you start to product less eggs, other than that I loved getting older.

So, if anyone reads this anymore and knows of anyone that is selling IVF meds please let me know. I would love to save money where I can this time around. I will find out more of what I need but I am sure gonal-f will & menopur. I know most of everyone I followed before is either pregnant (naturally) or have moved on with their babies. I know you are not supposed to buy or sell but whatever...

I leave you with some pics of my love, time moves so quickly and I wish I could just make it stop!

One Last Try?!

I haven't posted, commented or been around much but I do still check in now and again. I love seeing where everyone is at in this quest for baby.
Well, we had our consultation with the local clinic and it went pretty well. It is weird talking to another doctor and going to another clinic. Everything just seems so small compared to CCRM. We met with the Dr. on Monday and we talked 3 hours, no joke! He took his time with us which is way different than going to CO. Again, if you are reading this. We loved CCRM, however, the traveling and money just seems like to much to handle with a toddler. We don't have any family here to help us so it's hard scheduling all that time away from Logan.

Dr. N, told us we were very lucky to get pregnant and said we should have had better results. Agreed, but it's also about timing. He likes to push the limits with stimming, that is one area I think CCRM did not do well for me. I stimmed really low and he agreed. So here is the plan, we are going to look at my ovaries on CD3 & get the sperm checked. Then if all is "OK" we are going to probably move forward with 2 stims. Basically as you all know, it's a numbers game and because we have so many things against us now, age, sperm, chromosomes...we need more eggs.

Two stims is the LAST thing we want to do BUT, if it means a better chance at having a baby, it's the right thing to do. We hope to get at least 24 eggs altogether and go from there. This process will take a while so basically the next 6 months we will be dealing with this IF stuff off & on.

I am glad I took notes on this little blog, it was really helpful in communicating with the doctor about everything.

Hope all is well with everyone...here we go again!

Trying to figure out what to do next

I am finally feeling normal again. I have never, ever been so sad as I was after the failed FET. 

I finally had my WTF talk with Dr. G about two weeks ago. Not much was said, I get it, we make crappy embryos with crappy sperm. We talked about another cycle, Dr. G said I would probably get the same results, meaning 1-2 embryos. I am totally fine with that, IF that is the case. We are going to get DH's sperm tested again. Here is what went wrong with IVF #1. When we went for our ODWU in December, 2010 he had 200,000 sperm. When we did the actually ER in August, 2010, he only had 90,000. That is what messed everything up. We couldn't do IMSI and had low fertilization. Dr. G told me I shouldn't base my decision on the sperm test.

So...I am going to schedule a consultation with a local AZ clinic and then go from there. Like I said before, we are happy with CC.RM but to be honest with you. It sucks traveling and sending blood test results and ultrasounds especially with a toddler now. We both want another child more than anything. But, we are both very realistic...
If we do another IVF either here or there we are thinking September.

I leave you with a pic of our amazing little boy. We are just loving every day with him and we are very grateful to be his parents.

Trying To Move On

I feel so sad all day every day. I wish I could get over it and I can't. I think I might need some professional help. Believe me I am very grateful for my sweet baby Logan, I love him so much and that is part of the reason I feel so sad. My husband and I came from rather large families, 5 kids each. I serioulsly can't help to think he will be alone. I know he won't but that is what I think. Mainly because we live by no family, no cousins, nothing.

Well, I still have yet to call CCRM to schedule a re-group. I am not sure why, I am sitting here driving myself crazy but yet I do nothing about it. I am pretty sure there will not be another IVF in our future, we are older and we only made 2 embryos last time, I don't think we will even make one this time. I am not going to just throw our money away like that. Believe me if I thought or knew we could make a baby I would do it all over in a heart beat, but the odds are against us this time.

Our last IVF we got 16 eggs only 12 mature and only 4 fertilized and only 2 made it to blasts, thankfully they were normal.  Three years later, I am 38, my egg count was only 12 in December, the sperm didn't not get any better, not sure if it got worse but with only 12 eggs, I think that takes us out of the running for any embryos. I wish any of this wasn't true but these are the facts, I know I can't just hope and pray for a baby, I know it doesn't work that way. I know, I hope and prayed a lot for baby #2 and we were left with nothing.