I feel so sad all day every day. I wish I could get over it and I can't. I think I might need some professional help. Believe me I am very grateful for my sweet baby Logan, I love him so much and that is part of the reason I feel so sad. My husband and I came from rather large families, 5 kids each. I serioulsly can't help to think he will be alone. I know he won't but that is what I think. Mainly because we live by no family, no cousins, nothing.
Well, I still have yet to call CCRM to schedule a re-group. I am not sure why, I am sitting here driving myself crazy but yet I do nothing about it. I am pretty sure there will not be another IVF in our future, we are older and we only made 2 embryos last time, I don't think we will even make one this time. I am not going to just throw our money away like that. Believe me if I thought or knew we could make a baby I would do it all over in a heart beat, but the odds are against us this time.
Our last IVF we got 16 eggs only 12 mature and only 4 fertilized and only 2 made it to blasts, thankfully they were normal. Three years later, I am 38, my egg count was only 12 in December, the sperm didn't not get any better, not sure if it got worse but with only 12 eggs, I think that takes us out of the running for any embryos. I wish any of this wasn't true but these are the facts, I know I can't just hope and pray for a baby, I know it doesn't work that way. I know, I hope and prayed a lot for baby #2 and we were left with nothing.
Monday, April 7, 2014
Thursday, April 3, 2014
Life After A BFN
Let me tell you, it's sucks. I keep thinking I should be pregnant right now but instead I am having to deal with the most heavy period ever!!!!
People tell me... it's not the end of the world, at least I have a child and that child is healthy. Well, you know what I say to that FUCK YOU!!!! I fought hard for the child we have now where most people can just have some fun sex and make babies, we CAN'T and we will NEVER be able to do that.
As you can tell I am still pretty upset by all of this. I have not had a re-group with Dr. G yet. He called to say his small piece on Monday but I need to call and schedule a re-group. I guess I am not ready to do that yet because I have not called yet to do that. I am pretty sure I will be charged for that...
Right now I want another child more than ever. I know good embryos don't always equal a child but I really wanted mine too.
We don't know where to go from here, I wish 3 years ago I would have borrowed the money to bank more embryos but we didn't. Now, if we did another cycle, I just don't know if we would get any that made it to day 5 to even get tested. That would be $$ down the drain...ugh...why is this so difficult. So right now I don't know where we will go from here. If anyone has any advice please let me know your thoughts!!!
People tell me... it's not the end of the world, at least I have a child and that child is healthy. Well, you know what I say to that FUCK YOU!!!! I fought hard for the child we have now where most people can just have some fun sex and make babies, we CAN'T and we will NEVER be able to do that.
As you can tell I am still pretty upset by all of this. I have not had a re-group with Dr. G yet. He called to say his small piece on Monday but I need to call and schedule a re-group. I guess I am not ready to do that yet because I have not called yet to do that. I am pretty sure I will be charged for that...
Right now I want another child more than ever. I know good embryos don't always equal a child but I really wanted mine too.
We don't know where to go from here, I wish 3 years ago I would have borrowed the money to bank more embryos but we didn't. Now, if we did another cycle, I just don't know if we would get any that made it to day 5 to even get tested. That would be $$ down the drain...ugh...why is this so difficult. So right now I don't know where we will go from here. If anyone has any advice please let me know your thoughts!!!
Friday, March 28, 2014
Just Another Day
Thank you all for you kind words. It hurts, it all hurts and we just don't understand. However, today is a new day and my mom called me this morning as she was searching the internet trying to find me answers, yes she is crazy like me!
Not that I am not happy with CCRM, we are. We love Dr. G, and I think the embryologists are the best in the country. However, my mom called me to tell me about this clinic, right here in AZ offering this...
ACFS believes so strongly in the future of PGD/PGS: 23 chromosome microarray to improve IVF success, it will be offered to all patients undergoing IVF at no charge other than what the PGD/PGS laboratory charges ACFS to do the test ($2,900).
FREE genetic testing for ALL IVF patients...WTF???
BUT WAIT...they are also offering this??
Not that I am not happy with CCRM, we are. We love Dr. G, and I think the embryologists are the best in the country. However, my mom called me to tell me about this clinic, right here in AZ offering this...
ACFS believes so strongly in the future of PGD/PGS: 23 chromosome microarray to improve IVF success, it will be offered to all patients undergoing IVF at no charge other than what the PGD/PGS laboratory charges ACFS to do the test ($2,900).
FREE genetic testing for ALL IVF patients...WTF???
BUT WAIT...they are also offering this??
Half price for failed cycles at other clinics. ACFS will offer our standard IVF at half price to any patient that has been unsuccessful at another clinic within the last 12 months. We are committed to the success of any patient having trouble conceiving. ACFS is not saying that the IVF clinic you are at is not good; sometimes a change of venue and a different approach is all that is needed in having a successful outcome. This ACFS-IVF Perk would include all IVF charges except work-up (which should already be done), medications, ICSI, PGD/PGS and cryopreservation, if needed. By agreeing to this, you would not be eligible for ACFS-IVF guarantee.
Believe me I am not sold at all on any of this I am a very realistic person and I also think, if it sounds good to be true, well then, it probably is. I am going to give myself time and talk to Dr. G to see what he thinks happened.
Thursday, March 27, 2014
It's Official...BFN!
So I got the call today and as I suspected it's a BFN.
My WTF appointment will be with Dr. G next week as he is out of town this week. I am pretty happy about that actually. I am not ready to talk about it.
I don't know where we will go from here. We don't plan on deciding today. We may do another round, we may not. I just don't know!
I know we have Logan and we love him more than anything but this is hard. Every hour I go through all 5 stages of grief.
Tonight I plan on eating burgers and drinking beer to help with the pain.
My WTF appointment will be with Dr. G next week as he is out of town this week. I am pretty happy about that actually. I am not ready to talk about it.
I don't know where we will go from here. We don't plan on deciding today. We may do another round, we may not. I just don't know!
I know we have Logan and we love him more than anything but this is hard. Every hour I go through all 5 stages of grief.
Tonight I plan on eating burgers and drinking beer to help with the pain.
Tuesday, March 25, 2014
No Line...
I caved and tested early. I am beyond sad. No line, not even a hint of a line. Waiting until Thursday is going to kill me.
I want to move on, infertility sucks!! I will no longer post here anymore 😞
I want to move on, infertility sucks!! I will no longer post here anymore 😞
Tuesday, March 18, 2014
Bedrest
Let me just start off by saying...I can't believe we are here again. Everything seems so surreal! I will say actually this time I was way more nervous because I knew what to expect.
The transfer went great, my biggest fear of course was the thaw and our embryo thawed 100%, they said it didn't even look like it was even frozen. Seriously, the thought of all that blows me away.
Transfer details:
Arrived at 12pm: labs were drawn
12:20pm: acupuncture and Valium (highly recommended to help relax)
1:15pm: the transfer
After the transfer I rested for about 20min, acu started again then I was done. Things really move quickly once you get there.
So here I am currently on bed rest. I will leave you all with a picture of our embryo.
The transfer went great, my biggest fear of course was the thaw and our embryo thawed 100%, they said it didn't even look like it was even frozen. Seriously, the thought of all that blows me away.
Transfer details:
Arrived at 12pm: labs were drawn
12:20pm: acupuncture and Valium (highly recommended to help relax)
1:15pm: the transfer
After the transfer I rested for about 20min, acu started again then I was done. Things really move quickly once you get there.
So here I am currently on bed rest. I will leave you all with a picture of our embryo.
Monday, March 17, 2014
FET Tomorrow!
We are scheduled for our transfer at 1:15pm. I am so hoping and praying everything goes well with the thaw, I will make my husband answer the phone in the morning if I see they call back a second time.
We are so cautiously hopeful that this will work. Everyone always asks me if it is easier this time around. Well, we know what to expect but we don't know the outcome. That's all I can say.
We are so cautiously hopeful that this will work. Everyone always asks me if it is easier this time around. Well, we know what to expect but we don't know the outcome. That's all I can say.
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