IVF Refund?

Today I received a detail bill of my IVF treatment. It looks like CCRM actually owes us $500. Both my husband and I were so pissed about it. Basically, they didn't do IMSI so they owed us that money. The reason we were pissed because we just feel like that is the reason we had such a shitty fertilization rate. It just reminded us of the bad news we received 2 weeks ago today regarding our embryos. I think about our 2 embryos all the time. I just can't help it. I constantly wonder if they are abnormal. I want so much for them to be normal but...I can't help but think they are not. After all they used crappy sperm to fertilize the eggs. At this point I don't even want anyone to call with our CCS results. Even though my mind is prepared for the worst news, there is no doubt that I will still be completely crushed about the results. I constantly pray and hope for the 2 we have but I feel like it's not enough.

Regroup & Running

I scheduled our re-group with Dr. G. I wanted it sooner than later, it's not until Sept 30th but I guess at the time we will at least know what our CCS result will be. This is my first IVF and I really thought I wouldn't have to do it again. I really thought I would be one of those who only had to do it once. But, it looks like this isn't the case. As of now my plan is to cycle again if we are left with nothing. We won't do that until early 2012. We need to save up the money again. I have been freaked out about the amount of money we have spent and I think I need to concentrate more on what I could end up with. My BIL told my husband to not worry about the money. If we want a family we need to do what it takes. He has 3 adopted children and is $125,000 in the hole. Adoption is not cheap either. In case you are wondering, he has the same thing my husband has and decided to go the adoption route. Yes, it's hard not to worry about the money but...there are a lot of things I can live without to save money.
I ran the past 2 mornings, I have not run since my first shot on August 6th. My quads are a little sore but I am so happy to get back to something I love. I am only running 3-4 miles at a time to ease my way back into it. I can't believe how quickly your body can change from not exercising. I have run my whole life this is the longest break I have ever taken. I hated not being able to run in Colorado during our stay. Running is my crazy pill. It helps me make sense of things and it makes me feel amazing. Now I need to lose this belly. I don't know why you gain wait during this process but my belly certainly did. I do not like it and need to fix it.

Day 6 Report

And then there were 2. We have 2 beautiful blasts. Grades: 5AA & 5AB that doesn't really mean much since they could still be abnormal but at least they are abnormally strong. At least I know we can make embryos and really it's a 50/50 chance if they are abnormal. Ever since I got the horrible news last Wednesday that we only had 4, I was dead set on not doing the CCS testing and just freezing them and doing another cycle. But, after today's call, my husband and I just felt that we should do the CCS testing. I know they could both blasts come back abnormal, that is something I can't control. We both just felt that in our hearts we needed to go ahead as planned. I have to have faith. I told my husband I will always hope for the best but expect the worse. I know that sounds awful but I need that, it helps me prepare for what is next. I guess I could say" hope for the best and prepare for the worst" that sounds a little better. I am so glad I have this blog as an outlet and I know I am not the most positive blogger out there but I just try to keep it real. I am grateful for all or your comments and support. I even find much support in just reading your blogs and what all of your experiences are. Without them, I would be in this alone.
I still have a lot of questions for Dr. G upon his return. Some of you mentioned about back-up samples and yes, we had 2 frozen back up samples. I did ask the embryologist about that and she said they always like to use a fresh sample when possible. I just need to regroup with Dr. G and drill him with questions.
So now we wait for the results. I feel horrible that I had lost all hope, I am glad I have it back again!

Day 3 Report

So we talked to embryologist today and wouldn't you know it all 4 are 8 cells today and they look great. But, we are not out of the woods yet. So on Day 3, that is when the DNA from the sperm kicks in and that's where problems can arise, especially for us. We know we have bad sperm, we knew that going into this. But, nobody knew it was this bad. Which kinda pisses me off because they made us feel like it was a piece of cake. I asked if they did IMSI (which they were suppose to do) on the sperm which is where they look at the sperm under a high powered microscope in order to pick out the best looking ones to inject into the egg, it's like ICSI but you get at better look at each sperm. Um, yeah they didn't do it because they said there wasn't enough sperm. WTF does that mean. Nobody told us that they couldn't do IMSI because of that. They had all of our semen analysis from the past year plus they looked at a sample when we came for the ODWU in December. They knew our sperm was shit and they said it was fine at least they had some to work with. I have tons of questions for Dr. G when he returns which isn't for another week. Here are couple I have in mind. If anyone has any more I should ask please let me know.
1. Should we do a DNA fragmentation test on the sperm?
2. Why the FUCK wasn't IMSI done?
3. Was the egg quality affected by the numerous cysts I have? (I had more follicles on my ODWU)
4. Would sperm aspiration be better?
So our plan. If 3-4 embryos make it to day 5 and look strong we are going to go through with the CCS testing. If 1-2 make it then we are not. We already know the my husband is a Robertsonian Translocation carrier so the odds of the 1-2 coming back normal is not very high. We are going to freeze them and do another retrieval first and then do CCS testing on all of them together. The embryologist did say if they all arrest then she would still test for chromosomal abnormalities and then we would at least know our chances of chromosomal balance embryos. The embryologist was real with us and I really appreciated it. She said it can really go either way but not to expect 4 to make it, more like 1-2. We make our decision on Sunday or Monday, depending on the growth. At that time we do not have time to decide what to do we will have to make our decision immediately.

Taking Action

So yesterday was a really bad day. My husband ended up calling the embryologist yesterday to try to find out some answers. I was too crushed to even talk to anyone. They were super nice on the phone and told us they were all thinking about us. They also told us they were expecting better results from us too and to hang in there. The conversation did make me feel better but John the embryologist is calling us tomorrow to see how things are progressing on Day 3 and to see where we go from here. I have made up my mind and if we only have 1 that makes it to day 5 we are not doing CCS testing. We told them this yesterday on the phone as well. We are going to freeze it and then do another egg retrieval as soon as we can. Once we get the number of embryos we need, we will do the CCS testing on all of them together. At this point I am expecting the worse news tomorrow. It makes me feel better to think about the worst possible outcome. I am just trying to be realistic about our situation. CCRM has amazing fertilization rates and we didn't even get 50%. I am not sure what questions we are going to ask tomorrow but I will figure that out tonight sometime.
I want to thank you all for you support! I really, really appreciate it. More than you can ever know. I am not sure what hope means to me anymore when it comes to science. I think I just need to be realistic about our chances from now on. We came to CCRM to create our family, bottom line is they can either do it or they can't. To me no hope can change that.
I also have to comment on this belly I have since egg retrieval. It looks and feels terrible. I am trying my best to get it under control but I have no idea it would be this bad.

Fertilization Report

I can't help but say that  I am beyond sad. Out of the 16 retrieved, 12 were mature. Of that only 4 fertilzed. I can only hope and pray that these 4 can make it to day 5 but I have lost a lot of hope. They still have to go through genetic testing. Not even half fertilzed. My biggest fear after the egg retrival is ending up with nothing. I know it only takes one and but I just had more hope going into this process. I hate infertility and hate what it is doing to my life! I need to search for my hope in these 4 we do have.

Egg Retrieval Complete

We got 16 eggs today. I will find out tomorrow on how many were mature and how many fertilized. The entire experience was pretty easy.The process went so quick, so quick in fact I was done with my procedure before husband was finished with his. I arrived 1 hour early for the prep. Dr. Minjarez did the retrieval, Dr. G is in Italy on vacation. I felt pretty calm the entire time, I was more nervous about hearing the number of eggs than anything. My biggest fear during this entire process was ovulating too early. I am so happy to be finished but scared of the results that are to come. I have faith in CCRM and their amazing labs but still, it's hard not to worry about all the results. We have spent so much time and money on this process (like everyone else) and we really can't afford to do another cycle. I am going to try to clear my head and be happy with what we do have.

Monday at CCRM

The trigger shot was a piece of cake...to take I should say. I was so nervous about my husband giving it to me but he did just fine. I did end up drawing a circle on my ass for my husband so he would get the right spot and you were all right, it didn't hurt one bit. I felt some pressure in the muscle after it was complete but other than that...all was good. I had my labs this morning and my IVF physical. Egg Retrieval is tomorrow, I am so happy to finally be here. I feel like after the ER we can move forward with our lives a little bit more. We have spent the entire summer just waiting for ER since we had so many cancelled cycles due to cysts it felt like we could never make any plans to do anything. CCRM was really busy today, it looked like there were a lot of folks doing their ODWU. There was even a couple there from Italy. I know I am in good hands and pray tomorrow will be a success!

Trigger Tonight!

We are triggering tonight at 1am. Very exciting, that means ER is Tuesday at 12pm, one day early. I must say I have spent lots of time these last 2 days reading everyone's ER experiences. I am not even kidding I went to all of your blogs! It helps to read everything everyone else went through. Right now I am just hoping for a good number of eggs. I am confident in CCRM to do the rest.

Trigger Possibly Tonight!

Went in for my 3rd u/s and labs this morning. Everything is growing at the same rate so that is good. They still seem to be tracking only 15. I so much wanted more than that, but I will take what I can get. We already know we are genetic mutants so the more eggs the better for CCS testing. I wasn't expecting them to tell me that I would trigger tonight but that only makes sense, Egg Retrieval would be Wednesday just as they predicted. Husband and I have been watching some trigger shot videos and find them very entertaining yet scary. I am going to try not to think about it. I might go back to CCRM today if we are getting the trigger shot tonight and have them draw a circle for him to hit the correct spot. We met with the genetic counselor the other day and she just makes everything seem so simple and easy.  I mean everyone at CCRM sure makes you know how to feel good about all the crappy stuff you have to do.
*I am adding this info after I already posted but wanted something to reference to just in case...Yesterday I was still on 20 units of Lupron am/pm & 2 vials of menopur yesterday and today. Last night I had only 150 of Gonal-f instead of 300 so not much changed with the meds.

Day Off

I am off today. Husband had to go and provide another freeze sample, they want 2 back-ups from him. I am on the same dosage of meds. 2 vials of Menopur, 20units of Lupron and 300 Gonal-F. I am trying hard to stay hydrated. We are staying at the Elements hotel and it's pretty nice. I like to stay at Starwood hotels to save points for free rooms. The rate was pretty good, when you call you can ask for the Skybridge Medical Rate our rate was $99, that includes wi-fi, daily breakfast, kitchen in the room, on-site laundry and Monday-Thursday they have free happy hour (beer & apps) for those who can drink. The hotel is located by a movie theatre, bowling alley and many restaurants. I have my u/s and labs tomorrow morning so we how things are progressing.

Made It To Colorado

We made it to Colorado last night. Had our first u/s and labs this morning so I am waiting to see if they change my dosages. Annie said everything looks good, she talked too fast for me to know all the sizes but most are around 12, 11 and we do have a few slow pokes at 4 that probably won't make it but in all it was 15. I was so hoping for more but will be happy with anything. For some reason my left side is doing so much better than the right which is so weird because in all the ultrasounds I have had the right has always been way more dominant. It's nice to finally be here! I was smiling as we were walking into CCRM this morning and just thinking that this is it!

The Wait

It's just killing me. I went in for labs and u/s this morning to make sure we are on track and follies are growing. I was done with that at 9:30am my time. Colorado is an hour ahead of me and I thought I would hear from them by now. My job is waiting to know what is going on too. I finally told them I needed to be gone and that was it. I didn't tell them anything else. It made me worried though because I have to use FMLA and I have heard of others being denied FMLA due to fertility treatments. I will find out I guess. I don't know why I can't just use some of my 550 hours of sick time? So, now I wait, I wait for another green light from CCRM.

**Update: the damn lab did not sent the results yet! UGH, I told the lady this morning that is was stat and she said no problem, it would be done in 2 hours. I should have called them earlier.

***Most Recent: ok my labs were fine and the follies are growing, slowly. There are not too many right now but Annie said I am not done yet. The u/s tech didn't measured anything under 9 so right now I have on the left ovary; 13, 12, 9,9 on the right ovary; 12, 12, 9. I sure hope I get more than that. But I am off to Colorado tomorrow.

Let the Shot Really Begin

The Lupron is going well. I added the Menopur this morning and that was fine too. It burned slightly so I went really slow. Tonight I will add the Gonal-F. The shots aren't too bad, the needle is really small so it's not as bad as I thought it will be. I just keep thinking to myself that I just hope it all works out. I am not going to exercise as much and at times not as all. I did run this morning before the shots but I won't run tomorrow I will only walk. I also will not be having any alcohol. I had one beer last night but that's all for me. I plan on drinking a lot of water and trying to eat the best I can eat especially when traveling, that will be hard. My u/s and labs is schedule for Tuesday and we are leaving for Denver on Wednesday. Here are a few drug pics. My husband and I sent the second pic to some of our friends and family who know what we are going through. We try to have a sense of humor through this.

First Shot

I have been on fast forward since I got the call from CCRM yesterday. They got my results after a slight hiccup this morning and I am finally, finally suppressed. After all of these months. So this is it, they actually had be take my first shot of Lupron today and that was at 1pm. I had to go home on my lunch break. I sure wasn't prepared for all of that. It was easy, the needle was small. I will have to post a pick. I was thinking on my drive home that we are really doing it. I am so excited to be starting. I can't wait for all of it! We will be in Denver next Thursday. I have yet to tell my work so this should be interesting. I don't plan on telling them about IVF at all I just don't want to deal with work people who just don't understand.

What A Day

I got a call from my nurse around 12pm. She told me to take my last bcp today and to try to get my u/s and labs done today or tomorrow. So I took the advice from Manni and went to the local hospital to do the labs and it worked out great. It was covered by insurance and all. I had to go to a u/s place to get that done but that too was covered by insurance. Finally! Weird story I was at simon med for my u/s and an old co-worker did my u/s. We were not close, I didn't even work in the same building but still weird! So we are hopefully starting Lupron on Friday. I am taking this one day at a time so I am not even going to think about traveling to Colorado until I get today's results.

Gone...Again!

I had another cyst check today and they are GONE! Draining was scheduled for tomorrow but has been cancelled because both ovaries were completely free and clear! It's time! I don't know what my calendar will be but it will be happening in August sometime. Finally, I really thought I was going to lose it. If you ask my husband he will tell you I have completely lost it already. I just am so on the edge ALL the time. I want to get past this first step and then see what is in store for us.