IVF Refund?

Today I received a detail bill of my IVF treatment. It looks like CCRM actually owes us $500. Both my husband and I were so pissed about it. Basically, they didn't do IMSI so they owed us that money. The reason we were pissed because we just feel like that is the reason we had such a shitty fertilization rate. It just reminded us of the bad news we received 2 weeks ago today regarding our embryos. I think about our 2 embryos all the time. I just can't help it. I constantly wonder if they are abnormal. I want so much for them to be normal but...I can't help but think they are not. After all they used crappy sperm to fertilize the eggs. At this point I don't even want anyone to call with our CCS results. Even though my mind is prepared for the worst news, there is no doubt that I will still be completely crushed about the results. I constantly pray and hope for the 2 we have but I feel like it's not enough.

Regroup & Running

I scheduled our re-group with Dr. G. I wanted it sooner than later, it's not until Sept 30th but I guess at the time we will at least know what our CCS result will be. This is my first IVF and I really thought I wouldn't have to do it again. I really thought I would be one of those who only had to do it once. But, it looks like this isn't the case. As of now my plan is to cycle again if we are left with nothing. We won't do that until early 2012. We need to save up the money again. I have been freaked out about the amount of money we have spent and I think I need to concentrate more on what I could end up with. My BIL told my husband to not worry about the money. If we want a family we need to do what it takes. He has 3 adopted children and is $125,000 in the hole. Adoption is not cheap either. In case you are wondering, he has the same thing my husband has and decided to go the adoption route. Yes, it's hard not to worry about the money but...there are a lot of things I can live without to save money.
I ran the past 2 mornings, I have not run since my first shot on August 6th. My quads are a little sore but I am so happy to get back to something I love. I am only running 3-4 miles at a time to ease my way back into it. I can't believe how quickly your body can change from not exercising. I have run my whole life this is the longest break I have ever taken. I hated not being able to run in Colorado during our stay. Running is my crazy pill. It helps me make sense of things and it makes me feel amazing. Now I need to lose this belly. I don't know why you gain wait during this process but my belly certainly did. I do not like it and need to fix it.

Day 6 Report

And then there were 2. We have 2 beautiful blasts. Grades: 5AA & 5AB that doesn't really mean much since they could still be abnormal but at least they are abnormally strong. At least I know we can make embryos and really it's a 50/50 chance if they are abnormal. Ever since I got the horrible news last Wednesday that we only had 4, I was dead set on not doing the CCS testing and just freezing them and doing another cycle. But, after today's call, my husband and I just felt that we should do the CCS testing. I know they could both blasts come back abnormal, that is something I can't control. We both just felt that in our hearts we needed to go ahead as planned. I have to have faith. I told my husband I will always hope for the best but expect the worse. I know that sounds awful but I need that, it helps me prepare for what is next. I guess I could say" hope for the best and prepare for the worst" that sounds a little better. I am so glad I have this blog as an outlet and I know I am not the most positive blogger out there but I just try to keep it real. I am grateful for all or your comments and support. I even find much support in just reading your blogs and what all of your experiences are. Without them, I would be in this alone.
I still have a lot of questions for Dr. G upon his return. Some of you mentioned about back-up samples and yes, we had 2 frozen back up samples. I did ask the embryologist about that and she said they always like to use a fresh sample when possible. I just need to regroup with Dr. G and drill him with questions.
So now we wait for the results. I feel horrible that I had lost all hope, I am glad I have it back again!

Day 3 Report

So we talked to embryologist today and wouldn't you know it all 4 are 8 cells today and they look great. But, we are not out of the woods yet. So on Day 3, that is when the DNA from the sperm kicks in and that's where problems can arise, especially for us. We know we have bad sperm, we knew that going into this. But, nobody knew it was this bad. Which kinda pisses me off because they made us feel like it was a piece of cake. I asked if they did IMSI (which they were suppose to do) on the sperm which is where they look at the sperm under a high powered microscope in order to pick out the best looking ones to inject into the egg, it's like ICSI but you get at better look at each sperm. Um, yeah they didn't do it because they said there wasn't enough sperm. WTF does that mean. Nobody told us that they couldn't do IMSI because of that. They had all of our semen analysis from the past year plus they looked at a sample when we came for the ODWU in December. They knew our sperm was shit and they said it was fine at least they had some to work with. I have tons of questions for Dr. G when he returns which isn't for another week. Here are couple I have in mind. If anyone has any more I should ask please let me know.
1. Should we do a DNA fragmentation test on the sperm?
2. Why the FUCK wasn't IMSI done?
3. Was the egg quality affected by the numerous cysts I have? (I had more follicles on my ODWU)
4. Would sperm aspiration be better?
So our plan. If 3-4 embryos make it to day 5 and look strong we are going to go through with the CCS testing. If 1-2 make it then we are not. We already know the my husband is a Robertsonian Translocation carrier so the odds of the 1-2 coming back normal is not very high. We are going to freeze them and do another retrieval first and then do CCS testing on all of them together. The embryologist did say if they all arrest then she would still test for chromosomal abnormalities and then we would at least know our chances of chromosomal balance embryos. The embryologist was real with us and I really appreciated it. She said it can really go either way but not to expect 4 to make it, more like 1-2. We make our decision on Sunday or Monday, depending on the growth. At that time we do not have time to decide what to do we will have to make our decision immediately.

Taking Action

So yesterday was a really bad day. My husband ended up calling the embryologist yesterday to try to find out some answers. I was too crushed to even talk to anyone. They were super nice on the phone and told us they were all thinking about us. They also told us they were expecting better results from us too and to hang in there. The conversation did make me feel better but John the embryologist is calling us tomorrow to see how things are progressing on Day 3 and to see where we go from here. I have made up my mind and if we only have 1 that makes it to day 5 we are not doing CCS testing. We told them this yesterday on the phone as well. We are going to freeze it and then do another egg retrieval as soon as we can. Once we get the number of embryos we need, we will do the CCS testing on all of them together. At this point I am expecting the worse news tomorrow. It makes me feel better to think about the worst possible outcome. I am just trying to be realistic about our situation. CCRM has amazing fertilization rates and we didn't even get 50%. I am not sure what questions we are going to ask tomorrow but I will figure that out tonight sometime.
I want to thank you all for you support! I really, really appreciate it. More than you can ever know. I am not sure what hope means to me anymore when it comes to science. I think I just need to be realistic about our chances from now on. We came to CCRM to create our family, bottom line is they can either do it or they can't. To me no hope can change that.
I also have to comment on this belly I have since egg retrieval. It looks and feels terrible. I am trying my best to get it under control but I have no idea it would be this bad.

Fertilization Report

I can't help but say that  I am beyond sad. Out of the 16 retrieved, 12 were mature. Of that only 4 fertilzed. I can only hope and pray that these 4 can make it to day 5 but I have lost a lot of hope. They still have to go through genetic testing. Not even half fertilzed. My biggest fear after the egg retrival is ending up with nothing. I know it only takes one and but I just had more hope going into this process. I hate infertility and hate what it is doing to my life! I need to search for my hope in these 4 we do have.

Egg Retrieval Complete

We got 16 eggs today. I will find out tomorrow on how many were mature and how many fertilized. The entire experience was pretty easy.The process went so quick, so quick in fact I was done with my procedure before husband was finished with his. I arrived 1 hour early for the prep. Dr. Minjarez did the retrieval, Dr. G is in Italy on vacation. I felt pretty calm the entire time, I was more nervous about hearing the number of eggs than anything. My biggest fear during this entire process was ovulating too early. I am so happy to be finished but scared of the results that are to come. I have faith in CCRM and their amazing labs but still, it's hard not to worry about all the results. We have spent so much time and money on this process (like everyone else) and we really can't afford to do another cycle. I am going to try to clear my head and be happy with what we do have.