Monday, April 7, 2014

Trying To Move On

I feel so sad all day every day. I wish I could get over it and I can't. I think I might need some professional help. Believe me I am very grateful for my sweet baby Logan, I love him so much and that is part of the reason I feel so sad. My husband and I came from rather large families, 5 kids each. I serioulsly can't help to think he will be alone. I know he won't but that is what I think. Mainly because we live by no family, no cousins, nothing.

Well, I still have yet to call CCRM to schedule a re-group. I am not sure why, I am sitting here driving myself crazy but yet I do nothing about it. I am pretty sure there will not be another IVF in our future, we are older and we only made 2 embryos last time, I don't think we will even make one this time. I am not going to just throw our money away like that. Believe me if I thought or knew we could make a baby I would do it all over in a heart beat, but the odds are against us this time.

Our last IVF we got 16 eggs only 12 mature and only 4 fertilized and only 2 made it to blasts, thankfully they were normal.  Three years later, I am 38, my egg count was only 12 in December, the sperm didn't not get any better, not sure if it got worse but with only 12 eggs, I think that takes us out of the running for any embryos. I wish any of this wasn't true but these are the facts, I know I can't just hope and pray for a baby, I know it doesn't work that way. I know, I hope and prayed a lot for baby #2 and we were left with nothing.

Thursday, April 3, 2014

Life After A BFN

Let me tell you, it's sucks. I keep thinking I should be pregnant right now but instead I am having to deal with the most heavy period ever!!!!

People tell me... it's not the end of the world, at least I have a child and that child is healthy. Well, you know what I say to that FUCK YOU!!!! I fought hard for the child we have now where most people can just have some fun sex and make babies, we CAN'T and we will NEVER be able to do that.

As you can tell I am still pretty upset by all of this. I have not had a re-group with Dr. G yet. He called to say his small piece on Monday but I need to call and schedule a re-group. I guess I am not ready to do that yet because I have not called yet to do that. I am pretty sure I will be charged for that...

Right now I want another child more than ever. I know good embryos don't always equal a child but I really wanted mine too.

We don't know where to go from here, I wish 3 years ago I would have borrowed the money to bank more embryos but we didn't. Now, if we did another cycle, I just don't know if we would get any that made it to day 5 to even get tested. That would be $$ down the drain...ugh...why is this so difficult. So right now I don't know where we will go from here. If anyone has any advice please let me know your thoughts!!!