Monday, April 7, 2014

Trying To Move On

I feel so sad all day every day. I wish I could get over it and I can't. I think I might need some professional help. Believe me I am very grateful for my sweet baby Logan, I love him so much and that is part of the reason I feel so sad. My husband and I came from rather large families, 5 kids each. I serioulsly can't help to think he will be alone. I know he won't but that is what I think. Mainly because we live by no family, no cousins, nothing.

Well, I still have yet to call CCRM to schedule a re-group. I am not sure why, I am sitting here driving myself crazy but yet I do nothing about it. I am pretty sure there will not be another IVF in our future, we are older and we only made 2 embryos last time, I don't think we will even make one this time. I am not going to just throw our money away like that. Believe me if I thought or knew we could make a baby I would do it all over in a heart beat, but the odds are against us this time.

Our last IVF we got 16 eggs only 12 mature and only 4 fertilized and only 2 made it to blasts, thankfully they were normal.  Three years later, I am 38, my egg count was only 12 in December, the sperm didn't not get any better, not sure if it got worse but with only 12 eggs, I think that takes us out of the running for any embryos. I wish any of this wasn't true but these are the facts, I know I can't just hope and pray for a baby, I know it doesn't work that way. I know, I hope and prayed a lot for baby #2 and we were left with nothing.


  1. Oh Krista, my heart just hurts for you. I am so sorry this is hitting you so hard (and understandably so!). Schedule the regroup and get an idea of your options moving forward. Maybe it will help, and if nothing else, maybe it will help to get one more step down on the journey to healing...

  2. Krista....I haven't bee following anyone for a while and just happened to notice your blog on my blog list today....OH MY GOD I AM SO SORRY. I totally get wanting another child and cannot imagine the agony of being faced with a chance and then a BFN. I thought for sure your second blast would take...I don't get it. I feel so horrible for you. You asked for advice....all I can say is don't let age deter you. Every cycle is different and at 4 months shy of 40, I had ONE blast make it to CCS and pass, and that was Livi. You said you could spare the money if it would mean a child for sure. Take some time to objectively allow the truth about what is meant to be for your family come through to you. Watch for signs, pray for wisdom, do what you feel is right in order to receive the message. There may come a time when you know for sure another child is meant to be (aside from how much you want one) and hopefully you will be in a position financially to back your new plan up. Looking back, I always knew I would have a little girl. The obstacles that IVF puts in your path and all the BFNs of your own and others shade the vision you know to be true. A child in this world is a miracle and God's choice. Through your disappointment and heartache, I hope you find healing, hope and one day, a content heart. We all love you. And no matter what, Logan will be a great kid, only child or big brother. He has his own path in this world right now and if he is to have a little brother or sister, that is already written. I wish every day to get a little brighter, a little clearer about your next journey.

    1. Thank you so much for your kind words of wisdom, this brought tears to my eyes. I am definitely taking my time to figure this all out.