One Last Try?!

I haven't posted, commented or been around much but I do still check in now and again. I love seeing where everyone is at in this quest for baby.
Well, we had our consultation with the local clinic and it went pretty well. It is weird talking to another doctor and going to another clinic. Everything just seems so small compared to CCRM. We met with the Dr. on Monday and we talked 3 hours, no joke! He took his time with us which is way different than going to CO. Again, if you are reading this. We loved CCRM, however, the traveling and money just seems like to much to handle with a toddler. We don't have any family here to help us so it's hard scheduling all that time away from Logan.

Dr. N, told us we were very lucky to get pregnant and said we should have had better results. Agreed, but it's also about timing. He likes to push the limits with stimming, that is one area I think CCRM did not do well for me. I stimmed really low and he agreed. So here is the plan, we are going to look at my ovaries on CD3 & get the sperm checked. Then if all is "OK" we are going to probably move forward with 2 stims. Basically as you all know, it's a numbers game and because we have so many things against us now, age, sperm, chromosomes...we need more eggs.

Two stims is the LAST thing we want to do BUT, if it means a better chance at having a baby, it's the right thing to do. We hope to get at least 24 eggs altogether and go from there. This process will take a while so basically the next 6 months we will be dealing with this IF stuff off & on.

I am glad I took notes on this little blog, it was really helpful in communicating with the doctor about everything.

Hope all is well with everyone...here we go again!

Trying to figure out what to do next

I am finally feeling normal again. I have never, ever been so sad as I was after the failed FET. 

I finally had my WTF talk with Dr. G about two weeks ago. Not much was said, I get it, we make crappy embryos with crappy sperm. We talked about another cycle, Dr. G said I would probably get the same results, meaning 1-2 embryos. I am totally fine with that, IF that is the case. We are going to get DH's sperm tested again. Here is what went wrong with IVF #1. When we went for our ODWU in December, 2010 he had 200,000 sperm. When we did the actually ER in August, 2010, he only had 90,000. That is what messed everything up. We couldn't do IMSI and had low fertilization. Dr. G told me I shouldn't base my decision on the sperm test.

So...I am going to schedule a consultation with a local AZ clinic and then go from there. Like I said before, we are happy with CC.RM but to be honest with you. It sucks traveling and sending blood test results and ultrasounds especially with a toddler now. We both want another child more than anything. But, we are both very realistic...
If we do another IVF either here or there we are thinking September.

I leave you with a pic of our amazing little boy. We are just loving every day with him and we are very grateful to be his parents.

Trying To Move On

I feel so sad all day every day. I wish I could get over it and I can't. I think I might need some professional help. Believe me I am very grateful for my sweet baby Logan, I love him so much and that is part of the reason I feel so sad. My husband and I came from rather large families, 5 kids each. I serioulsly can't help to think he will be alone. I know he won't but that is what I think. Mainly because we live by no family, no cousins, nothing.

Well, I still have yet to call CCRM to schedule a re-group. I am not sure why, I am sitting here driving myself crazy but yet I do nothing about it. I am pretty sure there will not be another IVF in our future, we are older and we only made 2 embryos last time, I don't think we will even make one this time. I am not going to just throw our money away like that. Believe me if I thought or knew we could make a baby I would do it all over in a heart beat, but the odds are against us this time.

Our last IVF we got 16 eggs only 12 mature and only 4 fertilized and only 2 made it to blasts, thankfully they were normal.  Three years later, I am 38, my egg count was only 12 in December, the sperm didn't not get any better, not sure if it got worse but with only 12 eggs, I think that takes us out of the running for any embryos. I wish any of this wasn't true but these are the facts, I know I can't just hope and pray for a baby, I know it doesn't work that way. I know, I hope and prayed a lot for baby #2 and we were left with nothing.

Life After A BFN

Let me tell you, it's sucks. I keep thinking I should be pregnant right now but instead I am having to deal with the most heavy period ever!!!!

People tell me... it's not the end of the world, at least I have a child and that child is healthy. Well, you know what I say to that FUCK YOU!!!! I fought hard for the child we have now where most people can just have some fun sex and make babies, we CAN'T and we will NEVER be able to do that.

As you can tell I am still pretty upset by all of this. I have not had a re-group with Dr. G yet. He called to say his small piece on Monday but I need to call and schedule a re-group. I guess I am not ready to do that yet because I have not called yet to do that. I am pretty sure I will be charged for that...

Right now I want another child more than ever. I know good embryos don't always equal a child but I really wanted mine too.

We don't know where to go from here, I wish 3 years ago I would have borrowed the money to bank more embryos but we didn't. Now, if we did another cycle, I just don't know if we would get any that made it to day 5 to even get tested. That would be $$ down the drain...ugh...why is this so difficult. So right now I don't know where we will go from here. If anyone has any advice please let me know your thoughts!!!

Just Another Day

Thank you all for you kind words. It hurts, it all hurts and we just don't understand. However, today is a new day and my mom called me this morning as she was searching the internet trying to find me answers, yes she is crazy like me!

Not that I am not happy with CCRM, we are. We love Dr. G, and I think the embryologists are the best in the country. However, my mom called me to tell me about this clinic, right here in AZ offering this...
ACFS believes so strongly in the future of PGD/PGS: 23 chromosome microarray to improve IVF success, it will be offered to all patients undergoing IVF at no charge other than what the PGD/PGS laboratory charges ACFS to do the test ($2,900).

FREE genetic testing for ALL IVF patients...WTF???

BUT WAIT...they are also offering this??

Half price for failed cycles at other clinics. ACFS will offer our standard IVF at half price to any patient that has been unsuccessful at another clinic within the last 12 months. We are committed to the success of any patient having trouble conceiving. ACFS is not saying that the IVF clinic you are at is not good; sometimes a change of venue and a different approach is all that is needed in having a successful outcome. This ACFS-IVF Perk would include all IVF charges except work-up (which should already be done), medications, ICSI, PGD/PGS and cryopreservation, if needed. By agreeing to this, you would not be eligible for ACFS-IVF guarantee.

Believe me I am not sold at all on any of this I am a very realistic person and I also think, if it sounds good to be true, well then, it probably is. I am going to give myself time and talk to Dr. G to see what he thinks happened. 

It's Official...BFN!

So I got the call today and as I suspected it's a BFN.

My WTF appointment will be with Dr. G next week as he is out of town this week. I am pretty happy about that actually. I am not ready to talk about it.

I don't know where we will go from here. We don't plan on deciding today. We may do another round, we may not. I  just don't know!

I know we have Logan and we love him more than anything but this is hard. Every hour I go through all 5 stages of grief.

Tonight I plan on eating burgers and drinking beer to help with the pain.

No Line...

I caved and tested early. I am beyond sad. No line, not even a hint of a line. Waiting until Thursday is going to kill me.
I want to move on, infertility sucks!! I will no longer post here anymore 😞

Bedrest

Let me just start off by saying...I can't believe we are here again. Everything seems so surreal! I will say actually this time I was way more nervous because I knew what to expect.

The transfer went great, my biggest fear of course was the thaw and our embryo thawed 100%, they said it didn't even look like it was even frozen. Seriously, the thought of all that blows me away.

Transfer details:
Arrived at 12pm: labs were drawn
12:20pm: acupuncture and Valium (highly recommended to help relax)
1:15pm: the transfer
After the transfer I rested for about 20min, acu started again then I was done. Things really move quickly once you get there.

So here I am currently on bed rest. I will leave you all with a picture of our embryo.

FET Tomorrow!

We are scheduled for our transfer at 1:15pm. I am so hoping and praying everything goes well with the thaw, I will make my husband answer the phone in the morning if I see they call back a second time.

We are so cautiously hopeful that this will work. Everyone always asks me if it is easier this time around. Well, we know what to expect but we don't know the outcome. That's all I can say.

March 18th- FET!

I sure did forget all the crap you have to deal with when trying to get pregnant. Between the gyno calls, pharmacy calls, insurance calls and CCRM calls. I was about to lose my mind! Actually I did take a trip to crazy-town after calling Avella to get my Lupron, I only had to call them 7 times in 3 days to make sure they were sending my order...UGH!!! Insurance and companies sure have changed these past 2 years!
Anyways, we are finally on track with everything and we are scheduled for March 18th for our next FET!! I started my lupron shots yesterday and have been on BCPs for a week.

I hope and pray every night and pretty much all day long that this works. It scares me to death!

In Logan news, he is beyond amazing at 18months. We are so in love this little guy! I need to share a picture, I know not many people read this anymore but who doesn't like to share pictures of their little ones?! Logan is no longer a baby and we are in full toddler mode! He is super tall and already wears 2T he will be in 3T before summer begins.

Hope all is well with everyone.

ODWU=FET

Well...here we go again! I had my ODWU in Colorado in December. I flew there by myself this time.
I started taking BCPs on Saturday and will continue that until we get my cycle timed with our upcoming FET. I don't have a calendar yet because they are waiting for my recent pap to be sent over.

Right now we are hoping for a March 11th or 14th FET. It is SO weird getting the phone calls from 303 again, I just get so nervous every time. So much fear and hope is constantly swirling through my head.